Highs and Lows

Ever feel like you are on a roller coaster? You know the feeling I’m talking about? When something amazing happens, everything seems great and you are on this high? But then all of a sudden out of the blue something happens and you find yourself plummeting to a whole different place and wondering how on earth you would ever get back to where you were? That feeling!

Maybe this is an experience I alone have had or maybe I’m preaching to the choir. Either way, it seems the past year I have seen this more than ever before in my own life. Personally I feel there are many things that I can attribute these highs and lows to (my height not being one of them). Haha!

First off, I have been having these little health issues. I remember the good old days of scoffing at the ridiculous thought of stretching to straighten out my back in the morning – now I won’t tell you how long it takes me to actually get going. Isn’t this supposed to happen when my dentures are soaking on my night stand and my anti-wrinkle miracle cream is overtaking my medicine cabinet? Well needless to say it is a challenge to maintain a positive attitude on days you don’t feel the greatest. Thank God for healthy days. I will say those other days do make you appreciate life and friends and family so much more.

Secondly, I find my goals in life changing as I grow umm…more mature. I find myself wanting my life to count not just to go through the motions. I want to leave behind a legacy of a woman who loved God and lived for Him you know? I mean don’t get me wrong the goal of seeing how many marshmallows you could stuff in your mouth in a round of chubby bunny is also extremely important,  but the greatest highs are those days when I sense that I am making a difference, that my life counts, that I am fulfilling my destiny. I am desperate for my life to be filled with more of those moments.

Thirdly, I find myself developing a ‘woe is me’ complex at times. Not often but I have noticed that these times are normally preceded by the feeling of irritation (normally caused by exhaustion or hunger), a sneak attack of jealousy or anger, followed by the overwhelming case of sadness and of course a good pity party. (OK I admit that there may be some hormonal craziness mixed up in these moments) –don’t judge me! Lol! The truth is feeling sorry for yourself just makes you more miserable and who really needs that kind of commitment? Life on this earth is short enough as is.

Finally there is that nagging little thing called doubt. It never fails that on my best days it could derail good intentions, destroy God given dreams and demolish faith. It is the enemy (well with the exception of triple chocolate molten lava cake topped with rich vanilla ice cream-but that is more like a frienemy- where was I?) Oh yeah, it’s funny how once I begin to question the goodness or the promises of God how easy it is to fall into the trap of questioning everything.

Can I be honest? This is my blog after all so I guess I can get as real as I want to. I sometimes wonder why my life went the way it did. I mean I always thought I would graduate from high school, go to college, get a degree, land a fabulous job making great money, meet the man of my dreams, get married, have the cute picket fence home in the suburbs with my 2.5 children (if you count the outdoor dog), work from home writing so I could be a stay at home mom for my twins until they go off to kindergarten and I rejoin the workforce. There was something else…oh yeah and live happily ever after.

Well then I met Jesus and decided that following Him was the single smartest thing that I could possibly do in my life. Well apparently that verse that says God’s ways aren’t our ways actually is true-go figure! Turns out my entire life plan got messed up. I mean I didn’t count on my dad dying (that wasn’t supposed to happen- he was the greatest! and who on earth will walk me down the aisle now if I happen to find a man?). I moved to a whole other country, gave up the college dream because I had a family to take care of and I had to get a job. So I struggle to go back part time, my sister got sick, my finances are not what they could be, still waiting on Mr. Right and slowly watching the dream of children slip away and I’m trying my best to serve God to the best that I can guesstimate that He wants me to but constantly falling short. I see that the plan God had is certainly not the one I had in mind. It has been filled with highs and lows I never expected.

Then, there’s a moment like last Sunday when I danced in church and was able to worship God in a new way. I’m always concerned that I don’t put on a ‘show’ I hope that people see God through it you know? So one of the guys from church met me the next day and told me that it was really moving. He said he was really surprised and felt silly because of his own reaction. And when I asked why, he said he was watching and he began to get chills and all of a sudden he wasn’t even seeing me but sensing the presence of God and he shook himself because he thought ‘I’m a guy, this shouldn’t affect me like this.”

Stop the press! If we are talking about highs, it doesn't get much higher. I felt like God used me to help someone worship Him- wow!!! I was humbled. Now, did I ever see myself doing something like that in my plans? No way! but God’s plans? So much higher than mine…so much better than I could ever dream… Keep you posted on what’s next in this great adventure.  Much love!

Redeeming the Time

It's funny how we can get so caught up with 'life' that we forget to truly 'live'. It's easy to fall into a rut. We've all been there at one point or another when our lives become complacent. We do the same things, go to the same places, take the same routes to get there and if we are not careful we could let go off dreams that we had dreamed and end up looking back on a life that may or may not have been filled with good times but also with possible regrets.

At a Bible study recently we were talking about making every moment count. Not wasting the very limited amount of time that we have been given. We also talked about the fact that the people who we dreamed of becoming may not be who we are today. Personally I had wanted to grow up to be like my dad. He loved God and people and people everywhere loved him. He was a good man. He never missed an opportunity to be kind or generous. He wasn't wealthy by any means but he sure taught us to be thankful for what we had. Some of those values will stay with me forever and as I get older I see more of those characteristics in me. But I'm sure my dad did not have to deal with the 'crazy' that comes every month when you are a woman. :) It might be a tad more difficult for me.

I look back on my life and I definitely have regrets. Some due to my own choices but others due to the circumstances that I was thrust into. Dreams that I had, have been swallowed up by other demands on my life. But is that an excuse? At some point I believe we get chances to pick up where we left off. The catch is that it sometimes takes work. Actually more often than not it takes a lot of hard work and discipline to achieve some of the things we want in life.

One of my dreams is to be an author, that means that I have to discipline myself to write. Even when I don't feel like it. Even when I want to scrap the whole thing and start over. Even when it seems like everything else in my life is more important at that moment. If I want it, then it's on me! I love writing my blog but I get so busy I forget to keep up, I have to decide I am going to do this and schedule times to write like any other appointment I might have. Plus, I think it's important to use the gifts and talents that God has given us. One of my favorite quotations is by Henry David Thoreau: "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them."

I want to let my song be heard. How about you? I think I need to re-acquaint myself with some of the dreams in my heart especially since God is the Dream-Giver. I'd say it will be worth the extra effort!